Today a memory came to mind.

I’m a private girl, but sometimes privacy is dismissed by external powers. When that happens, it’s meaningful to share an actual, not assumed, private moment.

Tough guys.

There are both good and bad stereotypes, right? We shouldn’t even cater to the term or differentiate because of gender stereotyping, I know.

But here we are.

Tough guys, and tough girls, come in all shapes and sizes. They aren’t only machismo, or busy weight-lifting in the gym, or a female in a traditional male role, or a mom juggling between household and career responsibilities. They aren’t only football players. There is toughness everywhere. I’ve come across a lot of tough people in my life: friends, family, patients, those fighting for everyday survival on the streets.

So today I remembered.

“What are you doing?” my then boyfriend asked and laughed. “Come back over here.”

I looked over my laptop and replied, “I’m just checking something.”

“Don’t you want to come over here with me?”

Of course I did. This was a guy who made me happy when we spent time together. The same one who’s moves on the dance floor were…unique…and amazing.

Ask around about tough guys and maybe old school generations will tell you about military men and women.

This boyfriend wasn’t in the military.

Ask around about tough guys, and maybe some might mention street hardened, socio-economically disadvantaged or isolated kinds.

This boyfriend wasn’t any of those.

Ask around about tough guys, and maybe some will mention muscle — figuratively and literally.

This boyfriend was never the type to throw any high profiles around, nor did he….well okay, he had some muscle. But not like a stereotypical bodybuilder or anything.

We all have our life challenges, personally and by luck of the draw. And he was no different. And he was so tough in getting through them.

We all have life circumstances that involve the heart, and it would be easier to never talk about it nor shed a tear. But he was always tougher than that, and handled his emotions without the temptation of stoicism.

And ever the avid planner, when life changed his plans…he dealt with it. Always maintaining the same great attitude and same goals, which isn’t easy.

But that’s what tough guys do.

Tough guys have some tough friends, too. And if we are to judge a man by the company he keeps….well I guess he’s in some good company (and so are they).

My friends may not have always felt easy about on again off again relationships, so maybe not always as comfortable about him. But even then, he was kind to them without resentment.

Because that’s what tough guys do.

On family vacations he recognized and took it upon himself to address my nephew’s special needs? That was fine by all, because he was well loved by my family.

In fact, for being such a shy guy, he called me up to initially ask me out. And when our on-again off-again relationship ended, it was amicable. It was because we weren’t right and lacked what two are meant to have in natural romantic love. Knowing it’s not a sparked match meant it would end, but tough guys are okay with that.

And I’ve every faith in the world that when he comes across a woman he cannot help but feel that spark for, and when he wants to put in the energy to always get back to that spark — no matter the years in — he’ll do what it takes to make it happen with her.

Because that’s what tough guys do.

Even if he trusts and gets hurt by loved ones or by realities that change when circumstances for loved ones change, he’ll keep faith in trust.

Because tough guys keep going.

Back to the story.

“Don’t you want to come over here with me?”

Of course I did.

I hesitated again because of what was on my mind. Should I tell him about my unease regarding certain circumstances in immediate past and present jobs? How was I going to tell him about some shady things going on that I avoided, or concerns I had about negative workplace toxicity that I didn’t want to be dragged into? Especially if it was just a weird feeling. If we were going to remain friends, should I tell him about some nagging gut feeling I had that told me to make sure he doesn’t get dragged into this negative toxicity?

I looked at him smiling as I sat on the couch. He’s a tough guy, I thought, and I don’t have to worry about it.

So when a short while later I watched an intense and, ultimately, failed attempt to pull him into severe and jeopardizing toxic workplace issues, I wasn’t surprised.

There are some things that cross the line, and some who believe they are above power, and we watch as they indeed cross that line. And we watch as they drag our loved ones into their mess: to hurt us, to provoke us, to cover-up for their major issues, to retaliate against us. These toxic coworkers, peers, others may sneer, smirk and repeat our private information to us. They may make it really scary. We know on the inside it is these individuals who are terrified of their own actions, but that doesn’t make it any better while we have to go through their harassment.

And worse, we may realize they are indeed trying to affect our loved ones. Just as we feared.

But then we remind ourselves of all those tough moments as we let these toxic antagonists know that the hurt will never happen.

In fact, years may go by. Executives and others responsible for a mock may buddy up. They may stronghold the system with stories. They may drive and cling to some of the longest days of mocking we’ve endured.

But they will never, ever break a trust I have with a loved one. And they will never break a trust I have with a tough guy.

While unfortunate that these toxic experiences have created memories for all of us, they are no match for the good memories I have of all my old and new friends, sweethearts, experiences.

And they are no match for a tough guy.

Tough guys have tough families. That’s because tough families love without discretion and look out for communities (extended families) without hesitation. And this tough guy has a tough, loving family.

You know, a year after I put down my laptop to respond to my then boyfriend, I found myself back online. Staring at my tough guy friends from my hometown. I’m in trouble. Not because I did something, because some things were being done to me. This was eventually indirectly communicated to all the right people.

But I never really needed to tell my ex-boyfriend. Despite all going on in their own lives, he and his tough family had kept me in heart still. And looked out for me, my loved ones and friends.

And he was the catalyst for our social media and sports fun.

I love my ex-boyfriend and his family very much and I always will. That’s obviously unconditional.

But it’s the trust that may or may not be obvious. And so should anyone who may doubt, challenge or seek to seep toxicity into an impenetrable bond, I redirect them to the beginning of this story.

Not when we met over beer pong.

The beginning of this story. When I looked at my then boyfriend and remembered the most important thing complimentary to our trust: he’s a tough guy.

People may involve him and his tough guy crew in toxicity. They may ask him to shoulder the burden or play on anxieties. They may ask him for private information and assume his connection, his affection, to be expendable. They will never succeed in breaking trust.

There might be a time or two when loved ones test his trust. There might be a time when what used to be no longer is, due to circumstance, a loved one’s move, a loved one’s illness, a loved one’s preferences. It may be extremely, unbelievably challenging to check in with faith and hold to that trust. But he’ll trust (and firmly).

When I write“our life”, I mean mine and yours, all of ours.

The most wonderful and amazing interconnections and endeavors over our life with media, social media and sports is a direct result of this man, his family and his friends. It is true. They’ll probably be humble about it. But we all have a beautiful new design. 

Because that’s what tough guys from tough, loving families with a tough crew of friends do.

And he’s a tough guy.