True fear.

You know it when you experience it. It cannot be swept away. It certainly can’t be bought away, as if it were some corrupt business, healthcare institution or media magnet. Its hands are brutal and far-reaching.

In the working world fear is produced and fabricated to protect the organizations’ assets at the expense of a person’s or community’s well-being.

Fear is a master disguiser but experience can help distinguish between that which is scary and that which is terrifying. Neither is too strong to overcome, by the way.

• As an adult, if you are thrown into drama fit for teens, it’s scary.
• If clinical directors in former organizations communicate verbally (and nonverbally!) their unprofessional desires regarding male leadership, it’s scary.
• When someone’s online dating profile mirrors yours and he or she may be keeping tabs on you, it’s scary.
• When physicians from a previous hospital on the northside ask you out via these sites, mimicking ex-boyfriends, it’s scary.
• Should strange new guys start asking you out on Match and mock your personal life, it’s scary.

But when a current downtown healthcare employer and former one are both keeping tabs on you after hours? It’s terrifying. I’ve discussed the unprofessionalism and online dating debacle in previous blogs.

It’s not a win for anyone looking to stir fear in another as usually the latter overcomes this. They overcome fear not because fear is irrational but because the cause is addressed.

The fear is not irrational. The cause is addressed and solved.

For instance, during my work at the same institution downtown, I went out with former public health coworkers. Suddenly a young man approached. He asked me out, said he’s from my home county and then he handed me his personal website card (recreating a former ex-boyfriend’s initial introduction). He smirked and eventually it seemed that my employers and perhaps former friends knew about it. How terrifying.

I couldn’t help but think of that very ex-boyfriend from long ago, whose own friends advised me of why I shouldn’t continue to date him. They had been right all along. So when this same old ex-boyfriend seemed to also be aware of new online dating? Terrifying.

When the new employer realized their mistake and then switched to mock “retaliation” via temporary employees? It’s terrifying.

The aftertaste of fear lingers too.

• It’s an aftertaste that’s present while former employers keep tabs on you (fall 2012) and physicians involve ex-boyfriends in online dating schemes (fall 2012).
• It’s an aftertaste present in HR “meetings” where they make it clear that they’ve been monitoring your online dating (winter 2012) and where they ask you to interview random outside personnel in backroom meetings.
• It’s an aftertaste that doesn’t dissipate, even when employers mock a family member instead of apologizing for the online dating mixup (winter 2012-2013).
• It’s an aftertaste that still lingers as the boss’s family stops by to inquire about a new boyfriend whom they believe is the reason for your learned Spanish…..and one that lingers through random employees stopping you in the downtown hospital halls to send congratulations on new boyfriends and promotions (events that never occurred).
• It’s an aftertaste where others’ online dating profiles coincide with your charity walks (spring 2013). An aftertaste where you attend charitable foundation meetings and they seem to know about you already.
• It’s an aftertaste when media outlets couldn’t get any more predictable in how wrong they were while “investigating”.
• It’s an aftertaste that turns to embarrassment for these former entities as they struggle to mock you using other avenues after you no longer date at all. Instead of the entities just apologizing.

These aftertastes aren’t washed away by some miracle drink. The antidote is in remembering the law.

Fear remains, dark and constant, as local media publishes your personal communications and long ago classmates suddenly pop up (spring 2013). It winds and whispers gossip, from long term care to infectious disease researchers to your current employer.

It creates a situation that backs your former sweetheart into a corner unfairly.

Fear may peek its’ initial head when one is warned, upon starting her job, about her boss. It definitely becomes a constant presence when one is advised six months later that the Chief Medical Officer says you “can take it” after management screaming fits. Like a bitter wind, it does not let up even after media takes the reins.

This fear reaches out as you overhear your most recent ex-boyfriend’s “friends” repeat information that was only in your personal communications.

It’s a fear that shapes cold and sinewy fingers around your throat once you go out with a match who mocks that same sweetheart. While clearly a fake date is a desperate attempt to negate employer accountability (summer 2013), it still produces fear. And, when another match makes it obvious he is the product of a former employer, those fingers of fear tighten their grip as if about to end it all.

Anxiety is natural and anyone who denies it is lying. But true fear should never be allowed a grip.

As fear snakes it way through our minds and bodies we identify what is and what is not rational. Anxiety may be irrational. Fear is not.

For me, throughout these events strength in remembering the law and problem solving with old and new friends worked. That’s why the final sentence is important.

“I don’t fear you.”

Sure, it may anger some. But if it’s the truth then it should be said.

Perhaps it’s the law enforcement background, the multiple men from years past who had a hard time understanding “no” or the emotional, tense family and child support work I was involved in…..but I’m extra cautious with personal life. Many others with similar backgrounds are the same. This is where we set boundaries. Anyone who chooses to intentionally produce fear by crossing these boundaries deserves to see the antidote in action.

Circulating fear tightens around one’s throat, straining until he or she can barely breathe out “Stop!” It is an enveloping darkness that pushes and pushes until most people predictably run and hide.

But no one has ever accused me of being like most people. Ever.

So when predictable, fear-inducing corporations and organizations allow that polluted, tortuous darkness to envelope, remember to focus. I took ownership by asking myself these questions and understanding the answers:

• Did you let on fears and general anxiety about loved ones? Own it.
• Did you let on fears around social media? Connect and grow with those in charge of social media.
• Did you let on fears about privacy violations? Build new relationships with those who create secure and complete trust (in their own companies and their personal relationships).

And as you watch fear release its’ grip and sink back into the shadows, remind your own anxiety and anyone else accountable that you’ve already been provided the antidote. The good news is that the law is free to everyone. So is personal trust you build with new friends.

Thank any fear mongers for the practice but then tip your hat with the future in mind. You’ve got some new relationships to focus on. Fear is no match for them.

Time is our most precious resource. Not money, not fame, not a media spotlight on yourself.

Time.

Devoting much of it to these new relationships, in gratitude and appreciation, is an absolute must.

Don’t look back in fear. Look forward in assurance and with excitement.